Freckles

Still, there are days
where i cant stand to look
at my reflection in the mirror.
And you know why
just as well as i know why.
See, every freckle matches yours.
your cheek looks as if my
cheek has forced
a freckle upon yours
in the exact same spot.
It's as if we were cursed
at birth to be the same.
But every line you rehearsed
proves that we will never be the same.
Like we were born
with letters
that were meant to be torn
and flipped backward.
Mine were torn of course,
i couldn't bear to tear yours
apart, because of the remorse
that would fill me for ruining
everything you knew.
Instead i let it ruin me.
I let everything i've ever
known get torn up and
flipped, so i never
feel safe from you.
I'll never be safe.
always backwards
A.A.R.
Never R.A.A.

....and i hate you for it...

Asking Too Much

I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through. Tell me what the word “home” means to you and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad, even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind. Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel. Tell me—knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school. If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smoke stacks were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, “Poison! Poison! Poison!” really loud or would whisper, “That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy”? Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don’t believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me? See, I wanna know if you believe in any god, or if you believe in many gods. Or better yet, what gods believe in you. And for all the times you’ve knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you’ve asked come true? And if they didn’t did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]? I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you’re feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you’re feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass. If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key and I’m not nearly as smart as my poetry I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence. Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar. See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds. And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop—but you never would because you’d never want it to stop. If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it, if its fall to the ground didn’t make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn’t exist or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness? And lastly, let me ask you this: if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn’t talk, do you think eventually we’d kiss? No way. That’s askin’ too much—after all, this is only our first date.

-Andrea Gibson-

"I smashed my glass slipper to build a stained glass window for every wall inside my chest."

Last night i had a dream. You were there. I remember looking around and seeing a playground to my right and the woods to my left. i was under a tree. A beautiful tree with a canopy of leaves, and the sun shown through. I could hear the woodpeckers in the trees. You were so close i could reach out and touch your face if i wanted. I smiled and layed back in the grass. Then i saw the sunset over the river. I never wanted to wake up, but i didn't have much choice. I went back today, for real though, not in my dream. The park, i mean. Not the river. My sister was asleep in the passenger seat. I snuck out of the car trying not to wake her. I didn't mean to end up there. I just had to for some reason. But when i got out to where i needed to be, it was all different. The leaves were gone, and the clouds covered everything. I sat down anyway. I thought maybe it would help? It didn't. In fact. It made everything ten times worse. I sat and cried under an ugly, leafless tree today. Yeah, i am THAT lame.

Three days in a row now i have had the same effing dream. I figured maybe i could have a decent night's sleep if I went there and realized that there was nothing there anymore. Not even the surroundings are the same. It feels like everything has changed with the seasons. I know EVERYONE gives me this "suck it up. its not that difficult" look. And quite frankly, i don't care anymore.

sometimes i think i just look a mess. i don't see it. but i guess everyone else does. There are over 1000 students in my school and the school counselor asks me if i need anything or if i'm okay... every freaking day. i wish i looked decent enough for people to just stop wondering what's wrong with me. I'm fine. As long as i'm occupied. But here lately i just get this way all the time.

Anyway. whatever.
Goodnight.

"And thus I take my leave of the world and of you all, and I heartily desire you all to pray for me."

I have to say that my idol, as strange as it may seem, is this woman pictured above. She was one of the strongest women ever to walk this cruel world we live in. Anne Boleyn was the second wife of Henry VIII. She was martyred after a short marriage. She was full of ambition. She stopped at nothing to get what she wanted, ultimately leading to her execution.

Anne spent her adolescence in the French court, and came home to England to be married. She charmed everyone in her presence and influenced everyone in the English court, including the King (who was, at the time, sleeping with her younger sister, Mary.) Her family helped her on her rise to power. She did everything she could when she became Queen to make her husband happy. She would go to the ends of the earth and back to give him anything he wanted, but the king only wanted one thing: a male heir. She became pregnant before the wedding, and everything began to go her way. She had never felt more loved by the one person she loved the most. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, but it isn't enough for King Henry. She then discovers she is not able to carry a child. She endured miscarriage after miscarriage, and she watched the man she loved turn his affection towards another woman. A sweet, little good-girl: Jane Seymour. Anne's downfall saddens me. She is blamed for everything gone wrong between her and the king. She is accused of witchcraft and incest and adultery. All of those things untrue, but she was found guilty anyway. She was executed on May 19th, 1536. She died in shame to the kingdom, who believed everything the king said. She was later named a martyr. An amazing woman, thrown away for the stupid immaturity of a man. A man who always got what he wanted. He never understood what love was, only ambition and the need to produce a male heir.

I wish i could be as strong as her, to die with pride, and to know that her intentions were nothing but the best. Henry is a clear example of any man: stubborn, immature, etc. im not trying to be a man hater or anything, but from my experiences, men seem to be made to break a woman's heart. I've sat and watched someone i care about let their feeling wane from me. i watched gracefully, and i tried not to complain, i tried to win him back. sometimes the little "Seymours" get the best of us though. The outspoken, confident women rarely end victorious. Well behaved women rarely are remembered, though. I hope the man i cared for so much remembers me. I hope he thinks of me every time she knocks him down, and remembers that i did nothing but love him. I'm really not all that tore up about it all, i'm just not the type to give up easy. But i fear my execution has already happened in this situation. I need to let it the hell go. But it's alright. I'm having fun here, while he's gone. And, in all probability, i bet the little "Seymour" is too. Let that soak in:)

Any way, i'm tired.
bye

"..I liked the smiles in between." :)

so, today is another snow day! and my family and I are all eating stir fry and watching soaps... yes, i like soaps. whatever:) blehh. anyway, i've been kind of stressed here lately. there's just a lot on my mind. i wont talk about it all. but for some reason, i think i'm forming a concience? i know, weird. i'm usually really good at never feeling bad about anything. but here lately, idk.

things just aren't the same anymore. i've been thinking a lot here lately. maybe what's going on isn't really the right thing. just because i feel good about it doesn't mean it's right. sometimes you don't always want to do whats right. but for some reason, it's like jiminy cricket just won't leave me the hell alone. lol

i had a crazy cream last night. i'm not gunna talk about it, cuz my "follower" will want to talk about it, andd i really would rather not. ur still my bestfriend tho:)

yes, i feel like i'm a mess right now. idk how long this will be for, weeks? months? ugh idk. all i know is that i need to get out of here. i can't wait. just a 5 month break from normal life beginning in july would be nice:)

anyway. i guess that's all for now.
bye.

FFFFFMMMLLL

well, ish 8:30 a.m. and it's fuhreakin snowing... again. i had plans today. and it really pisses me off how much of pansies people are. i mean, i hate when everyone chickens out on dumb stuff JUST because its snowing. it snows all the time. people need to suck it the hell up.

plus, i cant hang with one of my friends today. we cuda hung out a lil, but he didnt wanna get outta bed. which really pisses me off. it makes him look a lot like his best friend (which i dont wanna talk about).
that really frustrates me cuz now he has to go do stuff at his grandparents. if he would have got up out of his fckn bed and came to see me, then his dad wouldnt have had the chance to ask him. so, yesh. im a lil pissed off.

so, its only 9 and my day already sucks ass. whatever tho.
bye

Hmm College

So, I got to college at like, 8:30 this morning. I don't even have class until 2:00... yay. Anyway. i've had a good day so far. i got to hang out wiff all my franns:) including the awesome Shelboadhd and Penpal!!!:P

so, i jus wanna say that i lloovvee my lil puppy Henry:) He's the cutest lil turd i've ever had the privelige of being a momma to:)
even though he wakes me up at three every morning to play, ish okay. ish okay even when he bites my nose every time i try to go to sleep.
i love coming home and seeing him so excited to see me. and he allwwaayyss wants to snuggle:)
im tellin you, with as cute as my lil boy is, he's gunna be a p.i.m.p. :P

hm anyway, i'm gunna go. buhbyeeeeee!!!

Ice Day

Alright, well i am extremely bored and have absolutely nothing important to sayy. So i'm going to blog anyway:)

Nothing special has really happened today. I went and ate lunch with my mommy and i've cleaned all freakin day. yay...
My friends went to play tennis today, buut i didn't go cuz i had to clean:/ lol I wish people could see us play tennis. it's awful. we play with a 5 second rule... yes, we are that bad at it.

so, last night my dog woke me up at like, three a.m. to play. i told him no and to go back to sleep. so as soon as i closed my eyes he ran up and bit my nose, then layed back down like he was asleep. annd as soon as i closed my eyes again... he bit my nose and acted like he was asleep. he did this for a good thirty minutes.

hmm anyway, i guess that's all for now.

buhbye!!:)

oh hey.

Welll, i've never blogged before, except for school work, which i don't think counts. So, this should be funn:) I've never really considered a blog before, buut my bestfriend shelby (shelboadhd... follow her:p) seems to have fun with it so i figured i'd give it a try. i have kept a diary since i was like, in the 3rd grade, but i get tired of my parents creepin on it so i gave up about a year ago. Butttttt NOW i have a blog!:)

i tend to have a lot to say... all the time. so i will probably write on here a lot. anyway, today was a SSNNOOWWW DDAAYYYYY!!! :D i love snow days. mostly just because i like to sleep. After i finally dragged my lazy ass outta bed, i went over to my bestfriend SHELBY'S!! no lie, i dont think there is anyone out there as dumb as we are when we get together. it's crazy.

i just got out of a really stressful relationship, soo you will probably get to hear all about that (exciting right?... not). And you'll probably hear a lot about "Penpal" orr as my friend kelsey calls him "Chachui?" hmm idk.
but anyway. "penpal" ish pretty much one of my best friends. he helps me out allll the time when i need someone to talk to, or just to make me laugh. Shelby and Penpal are like, the two people who can always make me feel better.

anyway, i'll probably write again before i go to bed if anything exciting happens. i'm verryyy easily amused, so im sure ill be excited about something before i fall asleep(:

Bye!!