Last night i had a dream. You were there. I remember looking around and seeing a playground to my right and the woods to my left. i was under a tree. A beautiful tree with a canopy of leaves, and the sun shown through. I could hear the woodpeckers in the trees. You were so close i could reach out and touch your face if i wanted. I smiled and layed back in the grass. Then i saw the sunset over the river. I never wanted to wake up, but i didn't have much choice. I went back today, for real though, not in my dream. The park, i mean. Not the river. My sister was asleep in the passenger seat. I snuck out of the car trying not to wake her. I didn't mean to end up there. I just had to for some reason. But when i got out to where i needed to be, it was all different. The leaves were gone, and the clouds covered everything. I sat down anyway. I thought maybe it would help? It didn't. In fact. It made everything ten times worse. I sat and cried under an ugly, leafless tree today. Yeah, i am THAT lame.
Three days in a row now i have had the same effing dream. I figured maybe i could have a decent night's sleep if I went there and realized that there was nothing there anymore. Not even the surroundings are the same. It feels like everything has changed with the seasons. I know EVERYONE gives me this "suck it up. its not that difficult" look. And quite frankly, i don't care anymore.
sometimes i think i just look a mess. i don't see it. but i guess everyone else does. There are over 1000 students in my school and the school counselor asks me if i need anything or if i'm okay... every freaking day. i wish i looked decent enough for people to just stop wondering what's wrong with me. I'm fine. As long as i'm occupied. But here lately i just get this way all the time.
Anyway. whatever.
Goodnight.
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